I am too strong to go back where i started from



I did something for myself and got a nose ring:) Part of doing something positive for myself

last nite i was embarrassed of my bones.
like it was a sick selfish unattractive thing.... I was with the guy I really like and i just like it somehow put a wall between us. He kept rubbing over my ribs and my collarbone.

( side note- I reallllly like this guy:))) I'm so stoked

why do i work so hard to look so bad? this morning i weighed in at my lowest ever... I don't know where to go from here.
I still feel like everytime i put something in my mouth its making me bigger..

outpatient is wierd... i dont like it.

I'm so happy to be home:) I missed Annapolis terribly, and all the people....
I missed the comfort of home and being taken care of.

also- i'm back down to 90 lbs. I feel safe at that number, finally.. My goal is to NOT lose, but I don;t have to gain...
part of me just wants to hit 89 to see that I could...:/

Headed home!!

My Starbucks addiction is lessening. Its been two days since I've had one!! :D it was fucking up my weight losssss In more serious news, I head home in a week for Thanksgiving and Christmas! I'm ultimately  not coming back to SCAD which is kinda a bummer but its not what I wanted and expected:( So I'm onto a new adventure! Oh speaking of thanksgiving and christmas, does anyone have a good vegan/veg/ low cal recipes?:D I would love to bake or cook something I can actually indulge in and not feel bad.... But I'm gunna get my bearings back at home and start recovery for real this time... I hope I don't go crazy.... Wish me luck!

 97 pounds when i weighed myself two days ago.

:D

i want weigh 94 by the time I go back home- which is 14 days....
heres hoping.

 food is useless.
every meal tastes alike

 Stand strong where I could not.

all through my ED i've worn a red bracelet like lots of other girls struggling with the same thing.... Its breaking- and it started wearing thin right as I started seeing counseling and conquering my own mind... such interesting timing...

I miss it.:( its about to fall off and I'm typing this. mehh

Art school is not what I expected....
I'm sitting outside beautiful Savannah watching kids get a tour of the buildings... I wanna warn them to be prepared to have NO social life and a constant stream of homework that you feel like you'll never be finished with...

Cause thats the feelings going on here....:/
I can't wait to go home just to have a break from classes.... I would honestly be fine staying in Savannah with a car!! but its just the fact that I have no mobility and my classes are just really wearing me out...

I'm trying to seek God in this time and talk to my parents about my options for next quarter because  I really don't see myself coming back here in the Winter...

It's just not what I had in mind for the Ivy League prices that my parents are paying...

"Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21.

  

Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit.
Why will you die, O house of Israel?
For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign Lord. Repent and live!

  I think almost overcoming anorexia and bulimic tendencies is one of the most powerful things I have done.
(Even though right now I feel completely out of control and confused... :/ )

"Think what Fathers smiles are thine, Think that Jesus died to win thee."

i snuck out till about three, didn't sleep at all, and woke up at 6 to leave for school.


ughhh longest car ride ever.
i took nyquil so the entire drive was a hazy dream.
haha.

but everything has been going great here. dorm/ parents/ people... its great:) i love it here.
and i left maryland on the perfect note. ;) 

i was found- but now I'm lost...

 i am hurt

i can heal but i'm never forgetting. fuck.
i want to talk to God, but I feel like i don't even deserve to say His name.

my life is full of lies and selling myself short of real love in the future.
i took when i shouldn't, and lost more than my time.

the timing is horrible since i'm leaving for college FIVE STATES AWAY in two weeks.... "don't want to get attached since your going away and all:("
fuck that. should have thought about that two months ago.

i'm hopeless and worthless and i want to be far away from here, from him, and from my desicions.